Really...?

Relaxation.

Tv series and novels will have to wait for now.

Right now I'm taking a moment off from reading the notes. It's annoying how one small set of notes can take you up to an hour or more to actually finish reading (plus understanding and making points) and writing notes out of it. It's starting to get cold and lonely. Nights are always like that. Getting colder and lonelier. All I'm thinking right now is a very good full-body massage. I think I should have one after the exams are done.

Hmm.. Hugging my cold pillow which I call bantal paluk :) It's licak and yummy. It's pretty relaxing for a night like this.

Motivate me.

I need motivation. Some kind of motivation. Anything.

Introduction to Professional Communication!
Systemic Functional Grammar!
Language Course Design and Assessment!
Language, Culture and the Classroom!
Semantics and Pragmatics!

Ignoring and trying.

It just occured to me during these past few days that I've been doing the "ignoring" part quite well. And I still intend to do so. Ignoring this instinct that I have. It's really not a situation I want to be in and hence, I think ignoring it is the best thing to do.

I think it's just the guilt that gets me so emotional and me thinking so much about other people's feelings. It's hard but hey, I'm trying. I'm always trying.

Still can't quite figure it out.

I just can't stop wondering.. I'm not even sure how it's come to this. I feel safe when you talk to me. Maybe it's the words or the things you say. It's not entirely just a comfort, but there's some strain on the comfort. Maybe, that's what I need. Someone nice and strict at the same time. Someone, who can say things in a straightforward manner yet in a possible kindest way they can.

I'm getting myself back into the habit of reading novels. It helps for some distraction.

Just a little conversation.

For now, a good talk with you is enough to make me feel content :)

What an ass!

I can't wait for all the assignments to be gone. One more week til revision week. I CAN'T WAIT! Then there's exam.. And finally, freedommmmm. Ahh sweet.

It gets a little hard to keep the assessment grades consistent. Especially EL3219! Atu kan fail tah ganyaaa. Like what the?! Inda membagi chan :p Failed course design much? Course design? What course design? Exactly. Need to reread the notes. This semester I have been really slacking. Malas banar kan buat keraja. Kalah 'very lastminute'.

Give me signs.

There's just alot I wanna say to you, but I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I would make a fool out of myself.

I'm afraid to know how you would feel.

I'm afraid...

Down, and down.

I rarely get so stressful over work and everything. But lately, it got to me like a flash. I find myself to be pissed off about stuff in a matter of secs. Temper rising. Then I get a headache. I feel so unhealthy at the moment :(

I feel like crying each time it happens. All I need is just the smallest things to make me smile and feel okay again. But it seems like, even that doesn't favour me right now. I feel so alone. :( I know I'm not alone. I just feel like that when I'm down. Then I get up again.

But as of right now, even when some of you talk to me, I still feel alone.

But I appreciate it guys. I appreciate it alot, even when I don't say it. I love you guys. Hugs.

It's called dotdotdot...

And a friend of mine replied;

"if it has a name, it has a purpose. something with purpose must be practised"

True..

I must!

I'm sorry to open this blog with a post that sounds angry. :/ But this is just how I feel right now.

I don't like it when I'm put in a difficult situation that involves a friend. You know, not just an acquaintance, but a friend. I wouldn't care so much if it's just an acquaintance. I hate feeling guilty. And it's my weakness. I often find myself feeling guilty (even when people say I shouldn't be) and the result of that, I get upset :( I guess, I just need assurance. I'm strong, just like everyone else. But just like everyone else, sometimes I need support too. Sometimes.. it's too much of a work to do it alone.

I always try to be patient coz I don't want to be mean. I would sound mean when I get angry and I don't want that. Coz it'll lead to feeling guilty. Haha :P But it just gets me everytime. When a simple annoying thing just becomes too much, I feel so mad. I'm a big believer in chances. And I always give way too many chances. And when it's taken for granted over and over again, it just makes my blood boil.

I think.. I just get upset more than I get angry.

I MUST be strong! I must!